Dear my sweet puppy love,
who was my first love,
There are so many memories of you, some are fading, some are still as clear as the blue sky right now outside my window but cold, terribly cold…as they’re just memories that i’d rather forget as we’re not puppies anymore and you’ve learnt how to bark and bite..
Everytime I hear Nikka Costa’s song “My First love”, I thought of you, the very first time my memory could take me when we were probably 5 or 6 years old, the very first time we played with sand at our neighbor’s front yard where they’re building their house (I know it doesn’t sound romantic as it’s not sand on the beach), the sand that piled up like a mini mountain, you took my hand and i vaguely remember you said, “Let’s go to the top!” while holding my hand and then your father ordered us to go down as it was dangerous.
Everytime you heard my voice outside playing with other children, you came out and wanted to join in, everytime we played “Tap Back” with the others, you seem to forget the rule and always wanted to tap me first and forgot the others, everytime your parents took you away to your hometown to the island of the gods, I was upset and didn’t have the mood to play and as we grow older, things had not changed. Too many memories…too much.
Everytime I hear Frente’s song “Bizarre Love Triangle”, I thought of you and we were teenagers, we went to the same highschool, you sent me mixed signals at first and I was confused and i still am, you said things that made me love you and willing to wait for you but i grew weary and married someone else not long after we graduated just to forget you and punish you. Things you said were just excuses, that you had to marry to someone your parents chose, same caste as i was told your family were blue blooded (middle finger for that! even Prince William married a commoner)
went away to Singapore with my then-new husband, not long after i heard you rebelled against your parents and didn’t want to get married to someone they chose and went to be a crew on a ship and sail all over the world, you contacted me a few times and asked to meet, but you never came and again you sent me mixed signals and even now when i married for the second time and moved further away to England, you still said the same thing and wanted to meet but it’s no surprise to me coz you never came…how was that make me feel?
I still have dreams about you, you’re haunting me when all i wanted is to forget you coz I don’t think i have much love left to give you…and after all these years, finally you agreed to marry someone of the same caste, someone you happen to love too (from the photos you posted on facebook, you seem to love her to put her picture of you and her together on your profile). I’m Happy for you coz then, maybe then I could move on and wont have dreams about you anymore…I live in hope.
When i do come home in July, I do hope you wont come out when you hear my voice, I do hope we don’t see each other, i do hope that you wont give me mixed signals anymore and just leave me be with the memories of you when we were still innocent little children and live separate lives.
PS: I also heard you’re going to get married this year, I wish you Happiness that lasts forever unlike me who is doomed to never live happily ever after.
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